Songs available at Itunes:
http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewAlbum?playListId=53440597
I also have a video from my upcoming "Redneck Canadian" cd at http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2725371?pg=latest&htv=12
"The new breed of comedians is here! Studmuffin's humor is so off-the-wall and hilarious, that you will not be able to avoid laughing. I simply crack up every time I see the CD cover, which is just a small taste of what is waiting for you on the CD."
Jerry Jones
LYRICS FOR THE ALBUM "ORGY"
BY THE CANADIAN STUDMUFFIN
WELCOME
Welcome to my second cd
It is better than my first one
Even though my first cd was pretty good
Even though it kind of sucked
This one will be better or I guess we are both fucked
There will be a slow song or two
and a blues song straight from my soul
I hope you like my second cd
Otherwise I will look like an asshole
IN MY BEDROOM
(featuring the music of Steev)
How's it going out there?
I see there are some ladies in the house
Oh...so many many fine ladies
I feel like bursting into song
A song about a special place I have
And you know where it is?
That's right, it's in my bedroom
Take it away, Steev...
Baby step into my bedroom
I'm gonna rock your world like it's never been rocked before
Remember to close the door
Being with the Studmuffin
You will never have time to snore
Take off your sexy dress, baby
The slower the better
I'll take off my neck brace
and my Homer Simpson sweater
Lay on the Studmuffin's bed
There is no need to be afraid
Just keep your sexy body away
From where my cat Fluffball sprayed
Close your eyes and take a deep breath
You'll be in heaven before you know it
Okay I'm done, I'm finished
Let's go for a coffee and a donut
You'll remember this night for eternity
Or at least for a day or two
Don't forget your bra and panties
Or my wife is going to kill me and you
AT THE BAR (WITH NEIL YOUNG)
(main song composed and sung by Eric Myers)
By the time you get this
I will be half-pissed
and I won't know if I mean what I say
The times they are hard
So I've gone for a drink
And maybe I'll be back someday
CHORUS:
At the bar
Not much to do except to bitch and moan
At the bar
Always thinking of you but feeling so much better all alone
Come on down to the bar
You will see me there
With my worn out body
And my drunken stare
You might notice my frown
It's my favorite form of expression
When I'm in a deep depression
And my soul is nowhere to be found
CHORUS
If you ask me if I love you
You're going to get the truth this time
You see, I've had too many drinks
Much more than a glass of wine
Please don't get angry
I don't mean to be unkind
I just don't love anything anymore
Except maybe my alcoholic mind
CHORUS
ANTS IN MY PANTS
there are ants
in my pants
oh the feeling
so appealing
i think i'll keep them there
in my underwear
running around in circles
gasping for fresh air
THE MOST BORING SONG IN THE WORLD
I would like to play for you
The most boring song in the world
So grab a beer and grab your girl
As you are about to hear
The most boring song in the world
It has no chorus
It has no beat
It's very boring
and stinks more than your feet
So grab your aspirin
and grab your bong
and listen to this boring song
There is no guitar solo
and thank God for that
The music is godawful
and the vocals are flat
but what do you expect from the most boring song in the world
You won't find a melody
because I never put one in it
Thankfully this song isn't too long
and will be over in a minute
Oh hell, I'll add a chorus but it's very very lame
As this song has no structure and it all sounds the same
The most boring song in the world
la la la la la
The most boring song in the world
ha ha ha ha ha
Thank you for listening
I hope you enjoyed wasting the last couple minutes of your precious time
I think I'll stop singing the most boring song in the world now
before I lose my goddamn mind
MAN TO MAN
Lying beside you
Makes me so proud to be a man
I can not sleep I can only weep
knowing how much I love being with you
instead of that bitchy creep
it is truly the best
being nuzzled against your masculine chest
and we are not ashamed to show our feelings of mutual lust
oh that hairy bust!
and this precious moment in time will soon fade
and you will be back in her arms listening to her constantly yap
but that is okay
for we are not gay
we are just having a little nap
THE DAY WE MET
(piano by Danny Berk)
I was standing beside you
You were standing beside me too
We were standing together
side by side
with nothing much to say or do
You smiled a little smile
or perhaps it was just an awkward grin
Right then I knew that
our relationship was about to begin
I said a few words in Spanish
which really flew you for a loop
You offered me half of your ham sandwich
but I said I was in the mood for some soup
Before you know it we were holding hands
and you were borrowing money to take me to dinner
As soon as I saw you give that waitress the finger
I knew I had a real winner
From the day we first met
Right up to now
I just think of the way we met
and I say "holy cow"
Now it's been a few months
and I still love you honey
but I have to get this off my chest
you still owe me money
PRICELESS BLUES
(music by Dave Bell and Steev)
You've been on my mind baby for a long long time
I said you've been on my mind baby for a long long time
Any minute now you won't be on my mind anymore
but not until I stip singing this song
and you're walking out that damn door
I've been to France baby many many times
I said I've been to France many many times
I don't know why I actually mentioned that
but come to think of it
You could say travelling around the world is something I dabble at
You know any blues song without baby in the song
Just doesn't cut it as a blues song
I said any blues song without baby in the song
Just isn't right, in fact it's wrong
And baby before I forget
I've also been to Australia, the Netherlands and Hong Kong
Now Steev wrote this song for you all
and I composed these here lyrics
Oh, I forgot to say baby
and now I think it's too late
Oh geez...that's great
but don't worry baby baby baby baby baby baby baby
for we can sell this song at a bargain rate
Now I'm just wasting time
Boy, you must be hard of hearing because I said
Baby I'm just wasting time
This song is priceless
It's so priceless
It's not even worth a dime
BOB DYLAN RAP
I have no luck at anything
except for what I'm about to sing
I went downtown the other day and I saw an old lady
and when she wasn't looking I grabbed her purse
and then the little old bitch ran after me
caught up to me and gave me a bloody nose
but it could have been worse
I'm just not lucky when it comes to robbery
I think it's just a curse
Having little old ladies beating the hell out of me
I have no luck at anything
except for what I'm about to sing
Bob Dylan rap!
I went to school the other day
First time I showed up in eleven days
The teacher looked at me in a daze and said
"What the hell you doing in my class?"
and she proceeded to kick my ass
I'm just not lucky when it comes to education
I feel like such a jerk
I should have stayed home learning masturbation
I have no luck at anything
except for what I'm about to sing
Bob Dylan rap!
I went to church last night
and the priest was looking at me all uptight
It seemed he didn't want me around
So he clenched up his fist and started to pound
and I screamed "Oh my back! Oh my back!"
and he screamed "Then don't come back...don't come back!"
I ran from the church cursing and swearing
The choir boys all in a row staring
Bob Dylan rap!
Don't laugh at me
Give me no tongue
I have no luck at anything
except for what I just sung
157 STITCHES
Girl, you really hurt me
The night you stabbed me in the back
The pain was so intense
and then everything turned black
When I awoke you were nowhere in sight
To leave me laying there in a puddle of warm blood
Man, that's just not right
157 Stitches
Give or take a stitch
157 Stitches
Sewing me back together inch by inch by inch
I thought we were bosom buddies
I thought we were lifelong chums
but you've upset me so much
Now my body is always aching for the love we once had
and I'm addicted to Tums
157 Stitches
Give or take a stitch
157 Stitches
Sewing me back together inch by inch by inch
157 Stitches
Leaves a rather nasty itch
I once believed our friendship would last forever
but the knife in the back was the final straw
Maybe you didn't know but
Attempted murder isn't nice and it's also against the law
157 Stitches
Give or take a stitch
157 Stitches
Sewing me back together inch by inch by inch
157 Stitches
Leaves a rather nasty itch
157 Stitches
You goddamn bitch
AGITATED BEAVER
I'm an agitated beaver
I'm mad because I'm an agitated beaver
THE SOCK SONG
I'm taking my socks off
just for you
I know there is nothing sexier
that I could do
I could buy you flowers
but some day they would die
I could say that I love you
yet I don't want to see you cry
So I'm taking off my socks
one by one
not pulling the wool over your eyes
I know we're going to have some fun
You don't have to do anything
Just sit there and enjoy the show
If you're feeling kind of kinky
maybe later you can tickle my toe
ABDUCTED BY ALIENS
There are aliens and they sometimes abduct me
and I tell my friends and people I dont know
and they think I'm crazy
but I am not crazy because I know what is real
and being abducted by aliens is real
(except when I just dream about being abducted by aliens...)
LOST REMOTE CONTROL BLUES
I've been missing you babe for the last week or so
Really breaks my heart, where the hell did you go?
If I never find you, I'm gonna go insane
I need you changing channels for me again
I've got the lost remote control blues
I even missed a M.A.S.H. repeat
Can't live without Drew Carey, Survivor and the CNN News
Not to mention Sesame Street
I could never replace you
You fit just like a glove
My nights are so lonely now
Without reruns of Matlock and Lonesome Dove
I've got the lost remote control blues baby
And I've got nothing else on my mind
All I think I can do is maybe
Find some more words that rhyme
My days are dark, my nights even darker
Life isn't the same without Bob Barker
I could change the channels by hand but it wouldn't be the same
Getting up from my Lazy Boy is too much of a strain
When I first noticed it missing
I think I nearly died
All I need is my remote control back
and the latest issue of T.V. Guide
I've got the lost remote control blues
As I'm sure you already know
I might have to finally resort to
Changing the channels with my toe
TALES FROM TOPOGRAPHIC OCEANS
He was called a genuis
and he was way before his time
He was really fab and groovy
Until the day he lost his mind
He was just a pop singer
Who always had the blues
And just like Robert Palmer
he was always looking for clues
Of why with his success
His life was such a mess
He was always under duress
And that's why he wore a dress
Or sometimes even much much less
All of this could be blamed on irrational behavior
(or perhaps Aunt Bess)
But he's in denial
He'll never confess
And he blames everything in his life on that 70's progressive rock masterpiece
"Tales From Topographic Oceans" by Yes
It was the early 70's
And things were going swell
Until he heard that fateful album
And his mind went straight to hell
The lyrics could not be deciphered
Even with a dictionary
It didn't make any sense at all
Even to someone as senseless as me
And the moral of this story
Is basically this
Don't listen to Tales Of Topographic Oceans
If you want to remain in show biz
I AM STUDMUFFIN (instrumental)
(Music by OldPunksFromHell and Ryan Graves)
THE BLIND LEADING THE BLIND
Baby, we can't keep seeing each other
Or I'm gonna go crazy and lose my mind
Even though we have a lot in common
Like we're both very oversexed and very blind
CHORUS:
It was like a whirlwind romance
It was all just so ill timed
It was like our love evaporated
It was like the blind leading the blind
I still remember the first time I didn't see you
And I touched your soft soft skin
And then I grabbed your left breast
And you slugged me on the chin
CHORUS
Memories of when I first kissed you
Under that tree in Central Park
The sun shone so brightly on that day
Even though we were both very much in the dark
CHORUS
I don't think you ever saw
The love I had for you was true
That is why I must say now
I am through not seeing you
CHORUS
DOG OF MY LIFE
I've got a dog that talks to me every day
I understand everything he does say
I tell him to "sit" and he says "no"
He says "Can I go outside?" and I say "go"
All my friends think I'm really quite insane
But they've never seen my dog singing in the rain
He's kind of lazy, never works too hard
Never seen him bury his bones in the yard
My dog never swears or gets too nasty
He learnt his good manners from watching "Lassie"
Never bothers chasing the neighbors cat
He told me he doesn't have time for that
I see him take out a bitch once in awhile
When he comes back home he's got a big smile
If I tell him a joke he always cracks up
He's had a sense of humor since he was a pup
We go to a movie and share some popcorn
He wags his tail if they're showing porn
I hope he's with me until the very end
Because a talking dog is this man's best friend
IT WAS IN THE TOILET
It was in the toilet
It was not of this earth
Maybe some alien
had just given birth
It's a big mystery
how it got in there
It was black and fermented
and growing hair
I tried to flush it
but there was no way in hell
It was bigger than a breadbox
and boy, did it smell
It made a strange noise
a gurgling sound
I looked for the plunger
but it could not be found
So I put on some gloves
and grabbed it real quick
I was very annoyed
not to mention very sick
The ending is gory
and I just have to say
I learned my lesson
on this miserable, rotten day
I shook it and shook it
until it exploded into bits
Never have grandpa over
when he has the shits
MY BEST SONG YET
Today is a sad day in my life
For I was not inspired to sing a song
In fact, I have no words to sing
So what you are listening to now should not be too long
I suppose it would help if I got Elvis Costello
To write some lyrics because he's a cool dude
I suppose it would help if I got Britney Spears
To take off all her clothes and prance around in the nude
But the fact remains that I have no song to sing
And it's embarassing
Now I have no reason for living
And more importantly no reason to sing
I was going to make this my best song yet
And take it all the way to number one on the chart
But I'm going to watch synchronized swimming on tv instead
And then shoplift some cd's at K-Mart
So you might ask yourself
"Why am I listening to this crap? That Graves must really have the gall!"
You might also ask yourself who will win the World Series
But I don't care because I don't like baseball
In case you do not know I live in Ontario, Canada
And I live in a house just like you
Although I can't get out because the snow has covered up my igloo
And I don't know what the hell to do
I was going to steal a few lyrics from a Led Zeppelin tune
And make this six minutes long or maybe even seven
But I cannot steal words from somebody else
And she's buying a stairway to heaven
BREAKFAST AT THE INSTITUTION
This game of lunacy
The constant nervous shakes
A lifetime of hardships surpassed
by the daily struggle to eat my Corn Flakes
Doctor Moore said I was insane
and I needed a long vacation
Now I sit here in a corner talking to myself
and I rarely disagree with the conversation
I'll get out of this demented place
No matter what it takes
I am normal as can be
except for all the nightmares about Corn Flakes
I am not the least bit crazy
Just ever so slightly bent
The sledgehammer my wife had used
barely made a dent
My smile quickly turns to a frown
As I am strapped into my seat
Mouth gagged and hands tied down
Damn, these Corn Flakes are hard to eat
ME AND YOU AND GEDDY LEE
Remember back to that special summer of '79
When there was nothing to do
So we went to see Rush in Toronto
And Geddy Lee winked at you
And then he took you backstage
While I was in the washroom throwing up
Later that night I saw you and you didn't even care that I was sick
And that is why I hate that little prick
Me and you and Geddy Lee
I will never ever forget that night
With you and Geddy Lee getting it on
And little old me nowhere in sight
Leaving the show you said you were sorry
And so we went to Burger King
And who was there but Geddy Lee
And I told that creep he couldn't sing
And then you slapped me really good
And fell back into his skinny little arms
And as I sing this I am still puzzled
On how you could fall for that geeky guys charms
Me and you and Geddy Lee
I will never ever forget that night
With Geddy Lee giving you his big whopper
Man, that's just not right
All these years later I still carry a grudge
Although I still buy every Rush cd that comes out
And I'll never understand why you stopped seeing me
To live with the bass player from No Doubt
You must have a thing for bass playing fools
Dreaming of their fame and fortune
Not to mention their jewels
Me and you and Geddy Lee
I will never forget that night
You and your bass playing friends
Can go fly a kite
PIXIE THE POODLE
Dear Mom
I've run away from home
This time it's for good
The other times were just practice runs
I'll miss your home cooked meals
not to mention my college funds
Is Dad still mad at me?
He didn't treat me very nice
How many times do I have to say I'm sorry
It was just an accident
Running over the family dog twice
God, it was gory
Pixie's guts everywhere
but you never heard the whole story
When she barked I stepped on the brake
Dad needs to calm down
It was just a damn poodle for heaven's sake
REPAIR MAN
Your one speaker isn't working
And so I thought I would write a song just to let you know
Your one speaker isn't working
And so I thought I would just let you know
because that's what friends are for
Both of your speakers are now working
Because I fixed them telepathically
Your one speaker is now working and now you have two that work
And now all you have to do is thank me
THE LIFE I LEAD
Oh, the life I lead
You would not believe
The women surrounding my well sculptured body
The things they say and do
Always so naughty
Oh the life I lead
You'd be full of jealousy
The beautiful ladies wearing next to nothin'
I guess that's why they call me the Canadian Studmuffin
And then the dream ends
As suddenly as it had begun
Reality hits
I'm no Don Juan
It's back to reality
And the end of all my fun
A CREATIVE MIND
(Guitar by Ryan Graves)
Everyone said he had a creative mind
but he always abused it
His imagination knew no ends
yet he seldom used it
Sitting in his castle of despair
Smoking up a storm
Casually attired in his underwear
For him this was the norm
No goals to achieve
No lovers to love
No buttons to push
No enemies to shove
Lapsing into his daily coma
with a cute little smile on his face
So thrilled at the honor
of not being part of the human race
Copyright Larry Graves 2004
Check out the artist's website:
http://www.redneckcanadian.comTrack List:
1. Welcome
2. In My Bedroom (featuring Steev)
3. At the Bar (with Neil Young)
4. Ants in My Pants
5. The Most Boring Song in the World
6. Man to Man
7. The Day We Met (featuring Danny Berk)
8. Priceless Blues (featuring Dave Bell)
9. Bob Dylan Rap
10. 157 Stitches
11. Agitated Beaver
12. The Sock Song
13. Abducted By Aliens
14. Lost Remote Control Blues
15. Tales From Topographic Oceans
16. I Am Studmuffin (featuring Oldpunksfromhell and Ryan Graves)
17. The Blind Leading the Blind
18. Dog of My Life
19. It Was in the Toilet
20. My Best Song Yet
21. Breakfast At the Institution
22. Me and You and Geddy Lee
23. Pixie the Poodle (flatter Than a Pancake)
24. Repair Man
25. The Life I Lead
26. A Creative Mind (featuring Ryan Graves)
Other Genres:
